Everything you need
A brief grief check in.
Since his passing…
It has been 3 years this week since my Father passed on. He just did not wake up one morning, which I think is how we all want to move on, once we’ve reached the end of this existence, no?
Three years ago was not a good year for me on multiple fronts, let’s just say. Had to put our beloved family pet down after he got sick thanks to some sloppy unprofessional workmen did not clean up after their flood damage repair (ice dam on roof) and our pet got what was probably asbestos fibers on his paws from a “repair” a previous owner did that we did not find out about until the damage hit (wallboard to ceiling repair, on previous damage, found out.) The company never claimed responsibility nor did they reimburse for the clean up either. Oh, the things you find out, eh?
That was January, then in March I nearly died of a respiratory infection that would not shift or move out of my head and chest long enough to be kicked without 3 rounds of treatment.
Then May, my father left this plane. You basically could stick a fork in me, I was finished, my field of care was barren, as they say, and I just stopped giving a fig for much of anything. Officially, I was an orphan at a very young age, that is what everyone said, which, FYI, does NOT help. Just rub that salt into that ol’ wound why don’t we? (Yes, I know they weren’t thinking and just filling a silence, but really, it is why I hate it when people say shit like that, period. Just be quiet and be present, don’t blah blah blah….)
So the trifecta of parents (not counting my Gran) was gone and it was just me now, as an only child. How to navigate a world in which all your hopes and dreams have died? Literally, other than my kid and book in process, that was it for me, the rest could bugger off.
I just stopped caring, and I am most sincere when I say this, I just did not care, my last filter was GONE. You piss me off, you heard about it, you offended me, oh you bet you heard about it. You looked great, you heard about that too, not in a mean or snarky way, but in a sincere and honest way, that most folks don’t bother with. My desire to be socially acceptable officially went into the dustbin to NEVER be seen again. Nope, 3 years later, still 0 F’s to give and I am actually happier than I have ever been in my entire life because of it.
How can I say that? Well, I have always operated from an honesty as policy idea set. I don’t like games, hate pretense and just speak my mind, period. Yeah, I am blunt and direct, but it is in my nature to be that way. Social convention is just BS wrapped in a bow and made to look pretty. I don’t have time for that. Being direct has gotten me more jobs and work than being PC ever did, let me tell you because if you are inauthentic, they know. Yes, people hire my cranky ass and I work hard and I show up and if they want to know the truth, they ask, period.
How does any of this relate back to my father, well where did you think it came from? Not that he was a cranky ass, but he was direct and did not settle for less than what was right. (Cranky ass comes from the opinions of others, I just say, yes, thank you, I am a bitch and your point would be? Talk about deflation.)
Having the childhood I had, words don’t hit me the same way they do others, due to the fact that nothing I ever did or said was good enough for my Monster, but was always ALWAYS more and extra for my Dad and Father. They both loved me for who I was, not what I brought, not how I made them look or any of that other bad parenting BS a lot of people engage in. They taught me to love people for who they really were, not some pale imitation of a life.
So I will wrap this up with saying, I have taken what life has given me and turned it into personal gold and learned lessons the hard way, because apparently, I asked for the accelerated life course, instead of study at your leisure path. Having said all of this, I am okay, it has taken time and there are days, like my birthdays or major holidays when I don’t have a card from my Father in the post, but otherwise, I am doing good and making my life how I want it to be, instead of just accepting what is, I am owning it on MY TERMS and I am grateful for it. (This is called finding the lesson and good in tragedy and pain and turning it around into something that works for you.)
-Namaste my Beloved Freaks Originally posted in 2018.
