A further unpacking of Grief.
A further unpacking of Grief.
Am going to start by saying thank you to everyone who gave me such wonderful feedback about last week’s dissertation on Grief. It was something I had been working on since I had run across that CS Lewis quote on it and helped me to hone in on a way to write on it.
I discussed an aspect of Grief, denial in brief, with examples of denial or avoidance: Clutter, Working to Excess, Buried in Grief, or my example of not being able to express my grief, so was denied my Grief process by another.
A Brief Recap:
Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Do you recall a time when you’ve worked through these stages? As I mentioned previously, no two people do them the same way and some don’t even hit them all and yet progress. So it is not an all or none process, it is as individual as the person going through it. In my time, the first real significant loss, I remember denial lasting seconds and then came acceptance of the news of the loss of a beloved 2nd mother and with that came not surprising, depression. I had hit One, Five and Four in that order and then when I was over the depression (not clinical depression, but I was deeply sad for a while) on with life I went.
Remember the good times and the last time I had seen her and what her last words to me were: I Love You and you make me very proud. I have lost friends, classmates, Grandmothers, Nephews, Fathers and my Monster, all losses hit you differently. The last one, my Monster, brought, no lie, joy to all involved and touched by the loss. No one came to the funeral not wanting to make sure she was well and truly dead. You do reap what you sow kids, remember that. As I mentioned last week, I grieved my Father once when I was two and again as an adult when he passed away from well, a long life. The first time was horrid, but the second time I was able to properly grieve his passing out of my life for a final time.
Honestly, the second time was easier than the first, because there was no more what ifs, no more hoping he would turn up to save me from the Monster who had stolen me from him. No more thinking maybe we might actually see each other again, none of that as he was gone and I arranged and signed for his cremation from 1700 miles away. Time and space had separated us physically and he had been burned so badly by life, he wanted to spare me his misery and asked me to stay away, which I respectfully did.
We never had our reunion and when I finally found him through an attorney friend of mine, he did not want to have a relationship, due to all the stuff that had passed in his life since he had last seen me in person many decades previously. I think he was ashamed and also bitter and I accepted his wishes because I did not want to be a burden or a bother to him. I let him have his wish, because I knew as he knew, that I would remember him probably more fondly in his mind than I would if I met him as he was at the end.
We had 11 years of correspondence and the hardest birthday I’ve had was the first one after he passed, as he never forgot them, not once in those years and I did not have to remind him either, because he was there. So even if he did not realize it, he had given me a greater gift than my Monster ever did, he remembered, honored and treasured my birth every year without fail. Thank you, Father, for reminding me that you were the one who actually wanted me, even if you did not want to see me, you still cared.
This leads me to think that most folks have predetermined ideas about how things should be and you really shouldn’t should all over yourself like that or your life. You have to meet people where they are and move forward from that position in order to have a real relationship with them, in whatever form that may take. If you cannot bend, you will break and never achieve what you want.
So I guess we could say that this week’s missive is about acceptance, accepting the loss, the change, the inevitable, whatever it is for you, but know that acceptance is crucial to moving on with your life. It is necessary and vital to making changes and moving towards the life you want, while remembering the path you’ve walked to get where you are, no matter how hard, how long, how rigorous, it is your path and you should be proud, even of the things that make you ashamed, because if you did not learn, you would not be where you are today. Own it all, every mistake, every triumph, own them equally, because you are the result of that and thousands of loves, and a few mistakes, but that is life.
originally posted 2018
